You are not the bad choices you make nor the nasty names you have been called.

I don’t know exactly where to start so I am just going to start. I recently read an article on the huffington post that left me feeling very shocked and quite frankly put i’d felt so naïve too. I couldn’t stop the tears from flooding even long after I had read the post, I was reliving my own past, even pretty recent years and still seeing similar occurrences.

I did a very bad thing a few years ago, something not nice and ive found it such a struggle to try to forgive myself for this. I used to be the girl that younger girls in my area followed ‘fashion wise’, I never showed off too much skin and once i’d learnt that younger girls were copying I stuck with my style out of loyalty and respect. You can be respected for yourself always. I was only between 14-15 years of age at this time too. Right, to put it bluntly and I have no idea why I am writing about this, I do not know what it is that wants me to do this but I feel I have to. So a couple years ago now I decided I fancied a boy, yes he was in a relationship. I always thought I had pretty cool morals until this tested them. I had been cheated on by previous partners and you would possibly think that causing any hurt or pain to another human would be the last thing on my mind. If I’m being completely honest, the whole thing went on for 3 years. Nothing so much physically ever happened, I sent the photos, we messaged all the time etc. But the mad thing is that during this weirdness I felt a sense of worthiness and so much security, I felt the security simply because he wasn’t my partner, if he kissed another girl it wouldn’t matter, he wouldn’t be doing anything wrong by me, it was her he was doing and that made me feel so safe. How disgusting is that? To have that little self worth about myself that I felt this was my only way to be happy? What a fucking joke, why couldn’t I see it.

I remember being called a slag at the age of 14 years old, I was still a virgin, but like all my other school mates i was experimenting and thought it was normal. The second my cousin screamed this in my face I just looked in shock, I didn’t say anything. I went home that night and thought long and hard about it, and decided there and then I didn’t want to be that person. My cousin he apologised the next night for this and I thanked him, I needed to hear it and actually felt pretty blessed. I completely stuck by this 100, I didn’t lose my virginity then until I was 18 years old and actually in a proper relationship! I do not in any way condone name calling or any form of abuse, I know a lot of girls are called evil nasty hurtful names even when these words are most definitely lies, and you do not need to accept them.

Ive learnt quite a lot from becoming older. The first time I ever went clubbing I learnt never to take drinks of boys! EVER! I thought they were kind and generous, but that’s not the case girls, they expect a kiss at the LEAST in return! WTF?  Yuk! What a crappy we are taught eh?

I remember being sat outside a club less than a year ago now, I was tired and needed a rest, I was sat on the steps waiting for my friends to leave so we could go home. There were 2 guys stood near me, I wasn’t in a talkative mood and just wanted to go home, they seemed polite at first but the second I politely said I’m not in the mood for conversation they jumped down my throat with vile verbal abuse, they called me a ‘slag’ ‘tramp’ ‘bitch’ …Just because I couldn’t be arsed to talk? Thank god I was this age and didn’t give a shit and was actually so freaking happy that I never gave them the time of day after this. On the other hand though, if i’d have been younger my reaction may not have been the same. I want you girlies to know that you do not need to feel dominated into doing anything you do not want to. You have a choice. Something as little as talking and to receive this reaction is disgusting, you are not ugly or slaggy if this happens to you. A nice person would respect what you wanted and just quietly left you alone in understanding, not try to demoralise you in the process.

I’ve felt guilt and shame in the things ive done in my past, I felt I lost my morals and couldn’t still be or even try to be a good person knowing some of the things i’d done. But i’m here to say we all make mistakes, we are human, if we feel these feelings I think that’s a bonus as we have a power to do something and make a difference. A part of me feels I needed to experience this to be able to connect and have a deeper understanding of what is going on in society, its forced me to open my eyes and look around me more clearly.  I am in no way trying to advertise what I have done. It made me feel sick and awful and I know I am not alone In this. When a guy asks you to send him nudes no matter how interested he may seem please don’t do it! I said no a tens of times before I actually did, I was begged into it (but I still always had my own power of choice). I still sent them to this person. Little did I know that he had actually told a friend of mine and I didn’t know until a year and half later! I kept the whole thing bottled up and quiet until this point, and then people started to know more and more. It didn’t end there, because then when other boys found out about this (in relationships) they started to try to take advantage of me. The hand touching of hands etc. I felt violated, I learnt that so many people were not who I thought they were and I drew myself away from that crowd to free myself and work on me for me. I knew it was wrong and I wanted it to change so I made my first start that way :-). I want you to know you are not alone if you have experienced anything like this and you are also not a bad person if you made a mistake, you are also not a bad person if you never did anything wrong but have been bullied into feeling as though you are.

So back to the huff post which spurred me on to write, me and my sister will randomly drive on a Friday night and see parks empty…which we thought was a good thing! Its actually one of the things that made me cry as I assumed your generation were getting better, I never see your age group sat on park benches with a bottle of booze and falling all over the place. I thought it was maturity. I had no idea the feeling of no sense of self or who you are was a problem that is hurting so many of you. I admired how perfectly you’d all become with applying make-up (I’ll pluck up the courage to show you mine and you’ll see exactly why lol). I actually prefer to not wear make-up at the moment and when i do its for me. You are not ugly or a slag based on appearance, in fact nothing you could ever do can give you a title like that. . I honestly felt as though it was all getting better for teenagers and after reading the post I am just so sorry for my own ignorance in the matter.

In all of the bad choices I have made and trust me there are so many! I am thankful for the who I am becoming now. I’m learning to be more open and not keep everything tightly squashed inside of me. I’m learning the benefits of how amazing my friendships have become since being open and honest and within that realising so many others are going through the same thing too! When we start being honest with ourselves our friends/close ones we begin to feel connected again, we can make a difference, we can turn this closedness we feel into a really great empowering supportive friendship and we can feel strong in knowing we are all in this together.

I want for us to change this, to make a stand for who we are, that we don’t ever have to feel trapped or unworthy ever. It is ok for us to make mistakes, it is also ok to forgive yourselves. You can do something, you can change society, you can relate to and help and inspire each other to a life that creates better harmony and love with each other.

If you enjoyed this post you can #vanillaculture, maybe take a picture to make a stand for beautiful without make-up, or going to town with the make-up really creatively clearly stating that you can do whatever the fu*k you want! Maybe post a little post about something that’s been eating away at you and just get it off your chest. If you want to talk to me personally and I so promise I will get back to all of you! Email me @vanillaculture.blog@gmail.com. Don’t feel threatened, I’m here and I’m waiting and hopeful we can do something amazing together. xxxxxx ❤

Click here to read article on HuffPost

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10 thoughts on “You are not the bad choices you make nor the nasty names you have been called.

  1. I have always believed you can’t help who you like and sometimes we do stupid things thinking they like and respect us back. It’s sad that we believe we are only worth what a man thinks of us. I hope he apologised to you or at least shows some remorse for what he did. Unfortunately it’s a common factor in dating. A lot of my friends send photographs to men as if it’s nothing. Some even have raunchy pics saved just in case their new tinder date asks for one, then get called a slag for doing it. I have learned not to dwell on the past and in this situation you did nothing wrong, he was in the relationship not you.

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    • I wouldn’t change it, it’s made me who I am now, I’ve learnt so much about myself through this. Life is just one big learning experience isn’t it. We dont need to judge. Bless you for your reply sweetie…xxxxx

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      • It was good to see your side. I was in a relationship. I was in love, though he could do no wrong until something told me he was hiding something. I went through his phone and there were a lot of girls that he was flirting with and they had even sent him photos. The horrible thing was he shared them with our mutual friends. So everyone knew and it felt like I was being laughed at. It made me feel so worthless. It made me rethink who I put my trust in and like you I moved away from certain ‘friends’. I’m not the woman I once was but I will find her again 🙂
        Thankyou for writing this as it made me realise I can be happy again

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      • It makes you feel violated doesn’t it, I heard from sources that my ex used to brag about cheating on me too! I’ve always too been trying to find the girl I once was, but then my mum said to me.is that a good a thing? To still be the girl.that felt everything was right all the time, our life experiences do change us and in amazing ways of allow ourselves to. It’s like my mum says, without these hard and sad learning times we wouldn’t have a special way of connecting with others, being able to empathise and uplift others too. What he have been through holds a deeper connection rather than blindness to the world.
        I do not for second condone your ex partners behaviour, to show everyone what he is up to, I’m happy you walked away strong enough to leave him and leave untrustworthy ‘friends’ too. You are so much more worthy and deserving than that, you should feel proud for that strength chicky, I know a lot of people who can’t walk away. I hope.you are OK! Is this recent or have you had time to move forward? Xxxxxx

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      • I have moved forward. I blamed a few of the girls at the time thinking that it was their fault for pursuing him. But I realised not once did he mention me at all. He begged me to stay but I couldn’t trust him after that. It was last November so it’s taking me almost a year but I’m in a happy place.

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      • Of course it does, we all need time to heal. I’m concentrating on myself more now, my career and meeting like minded people too! It’s pretty scarey but fun too. They say to forgive and let go, but it’s so much easier said than done. If you pay more attention to your own needs, and do more of what makes you happy you will meet similar people and be happy. We can feel so alone in this world that it’s ‘just us’ and I’m so grateful for your replies honestly, it’s nice to have a comment from someone who was cheated on and your side to it too. We can feel so ashamed from the things we do that we close ourselves off from the world. I’m happy that you are starting to feel like you are in your little happy land now 🙂 xxxxx

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      • It’s the guy who should feel ashamed. Hopefully his girlfriend found out what he’s really like. Women need to stick together we have enough against us already without hating on each other. Reading blogs such as yours have really helped me. Thankyou x

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  2. Thank you so much! Bless you sweetie! Not many people get to be able to understand 2 sides and I am so thankful for this really is am. I am sorry that I would have been the ‘other girl’ a friend of mine had a partner who had a girl who sent blabla and I really wanted to speak up there and then but my fears stopped me. I hope girls realise like you said, it IS wrong from both parts, but it doesn’t just happen (not for me anyway). I hope you are OK and happy. If you would like any personal communication I’m always more than available to contact @vanillaculture.blog@gmail.com. I didn’t handle mine very well, it’s a habitual change and love loss together. You do not have to do this alone. It still hurts of course it does! You have feelings yayyyy aha! Xxxxx

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  3. Thankyou, it really means a lot. I deleted all social media as I didn’t want any of the women looking at my profile laughing at me. How did you meet the boy in question? Was he a friend of yours? Hopefully like me you don’t have to see his face lol. We still chat occasionally but it’s to painful to have any close relationship. Over time we may be friends again. We deserve to be the only women in a man’s life not one of many xxx

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