anxiety…what a fucking joke.

When I look outside as I watch the rain pour something comforts me from within. Cold dampness on my jeans, musky air, white marks on my smudged made up face. What a great day to cry, to be unseen, to have a world so oblivious by the disastrous rain that nobody raises their head. It’s cold. Collides of stampeding feet into puddles drizzled into my boots. How fucking rude I think, except if they had paid any attention my head would be down, and I’d have run. Thank fuck it’s raining, it scares them away. Ahhh I can finally breathe in here now since the heavens poured.

My time of year, a time to escape and hurl into a ball and nobody will notice. Clothes to hide the heart attack of power on my bare and naked skin. Cover over the disgust , shy away into autumns dark. Something about the dark that makes life seem easier, they can still see me, i just don’t notice it. I assumed the dark gave me confidence but it took it away. Longing to hide, scared of the light, scared of the light and beauty that is already inside of me. Been torn down by those twisted souls, somehow happy that I feel a depth of pain. Now the light scares me all the more. This pain I feel excites happy poisons in those dark twisted souls. To hell with them cunts and fuck in their happiness. To shit on their piss stains and howl with laughter, Do not confine to their inner disaster. Darkness for them but not for me, claiming my power and breaking free. To be that support I desperately need for myself, to stop cowering down to others commands. To fight for the saviour of my own light, dry those tears that fall from beautiful green eyes. To fuck what they think and continue to be me, expressing myself wildly free.

It could have slipped way out of control – to disallow this, that is not an option. Let them slip into the dust and righteously follow the wide open space in front of those hazy eyes. To be the peace I am for others for me, to not be dragged down by others’ foolishness. I’m the mask that covers my soul, the armour you don’t see behind, the lightly feathered cushion that comforts my tear stained cheeks, the rainbow glides over fields, deep red sunsets that fade upon meadows, the beauty in your eyes when you stare into the mirror, the helpless soul with no place to go. I am it all, all the dredged dark, the beauty of the light, and all that sparkles in between.

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